Category Archives: The Uncouth Son

Three and a half and owning it

Adios Los Cabos

Drug muling and child porn are not in my immediate future. So much for licking margarita salt and swimming in infinite pools all week.  This fucking sucks.  Cabo is cancelled because now daddy has turned into just as much of a lush … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | Leave a comment

Sweet Spirited Child O’ Mine

Leona’s party has come and gone.  There was cake, beer, presents, ribs, devilled eggs, cash, and forty-seven gallons of sangria that mommy was clearly left in charge of.  Some people’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs–mommy’s eyes are bigger than her liver.  … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | 2 Comments

Shoe-Shopping and Back Yard Folly

I am winning the war. I don’t mean to be a prick, but it’s the truth.  Once upon a time, mommy had no fear.  She used a stern, controlled tone and put me in time-outs 345 times in a row without … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | 1 Comment

Mules and Wooden Baby Lambs

Today marks the two-week countdown until we go to Cabo.  Mommy is stressed, and now that she isn’t smoking cigarettes or drinking during the week for lent, the whole family is forced to feel her pain.  She is moody, distracted, and … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | Leave a comment

Where Are My Pork Chops, Dammit?

Once upon a time, daddy would make me these rad pork chops with a panko and lemon-zested crust.  They were perfectly thin and perfectly pan-seared, and I declared them my favorite food for all eternity, besides those soy rice crackers from Trader Joe’s and … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | Leave a comment

Back Talk and Ear-Flicks

I am having a difficult time understanding the structure of talking back.  I don’t get why mommy and daddy get to yell at me and call me names and tell me no, but if I try to communicate in the same charming way, … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | 2 Comments

Awesome Gigantic Blue Lollipop

This past weekend, mommy and daddy took me to a candy store and bought me an awesome, gigantic, blue lollipop.  This was on the same day I learned to ride my two-wheeler with training wheels and they let me crash into … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | 4 Comments

My Mommy, My Valentine

Yesterday I was happy to skip out on chocolate and candy hearts, because secretly, my family rocks, and Gusman gets the cold hard cash on Valentine’s Day.  No better way to tell me you love me than with a ten … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | Leave a comment

Rub A Dub Dub

My bath time has been hi-jacked by The Rat. Mommy’s cheap ass will no longer pay for twice the water, so I have to get naked with my baby sister. We must frolic in the water together.  Some of you … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | 2 Comments

Hangover Friday

You know it’s gonna be a long day in this house when mommy forgoes coffee for Diet Coke at 7:15 a.m.  If I was tall enough to look into the kitchen sink, I’m sure there would be a pile of dirty … Continue reading

Posted in The Uncouth Son | 3 Comments