Category Archives: The Uncouth Son

Three and a half and owning it

Eat Soap and Die

It’s been almost a month since we last rendezvoused: one trip to Michigan, two birthday parties, four threats of being sold to the highest bidder on Craigslist, three different soaps tried in my mouth for cussing, and 1,289 sentences ended … Continue reading

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Spielberg Screwed Me, Dude

My mother is a smug bitch. For years, she and daddy have been in search of my kryptonite, that one thing that could defuse the total toddler asshole in me.  This thing, albeit a tangible item of sorts, a magical phrase, an activity, … Continue reading

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In Olympic Spirit, I Pass the Torch

While I would truly like to apologize to you all for taking such long leaves of absence from this blog lately, I would rather tell you all to suck it, because it’s summertime, and Gusman loves the summertime.  I’m far too busy swimming, … Continue reading

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Insert Sand in Face, Then Scream

Things have been good lately.  Too good.  I know mommy feels the same way, because she tells me every day that I have been such good boy lately, and she loves me sooo much when I am her sweet little … Continue reading

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The Fourth of July and I

Happy fuckin’ red, white and blue all you flag-wavin’ hillbillies.  Yee haw, let’s blow some shit up. I have to say, this 4th of July is looking to be one of the finest in my three-year life.  We started this past weekend … Continue reading

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Beat-Down, Bruised and Bloody

The other night, mommy was watching an episode of Law and Order Special Victims Unit.  The story line followed Olivia Benson’s sort of piece of shit brother as his children were taken from him by the state because A. he … Continue reading

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Dog Days of Mommydom

After about a month of relatively passable behavior, I can officially announce that the Gusman has his swagger back.  Mommy has the fear of Toddler back in her eyes.  She won’t make eye contact with me because she knows I … Continue reading

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Semantically Insane

It’s no big secret that mommy curses as much as she drinks.  Or, wait.  Is that right?  Maybe it’s drinks as much as she curses.  You know what, I don’t even know for sure, but let’s just say the hag … Continue reading

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The Last, Lost Invitation EVER

It was so sweet that mommy was waiting in the window for me when I got home today from two nights away at Papa Tim’s and Gramma Jett’s.  She gushed how much she missed me, doted on my black eye … Continue reading

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Chuck E. Teases

Guess what?  Chuck E. Cheese is NOT a place where a “kid can be a kid.”  More like, it’s a place where you get taken into a corner and hissed at if you act anything like a kid, for example, dropping … Continue reading

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